Capricorn Stellium in the Seventh House

I’ve mentioned on here before that astrologer Chani Nicholas, recently added a “Your Chart” tab to her website. I’ll be sharing my chart below. This chart was calculated using a whole sign house system. As can be seen below I have my Sun, Mercury, Venus, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune in Capricorn in the 7th house. The 7th house, the house of committed partnerships, is connected to the sign of libra. My North Node is also in Capricorn. A stellium is when you have 4 or more planetary or house placements in one sign/house. It simply means that I exhibit a lot of both Capricorn and 7th house qualities.  The rest of my chart is detailed below. To calculate your chart, click here.

If any of you believe in sending uplifting energy in someone’s direction as something that could be potentially beneficial, please send my best friend some of that energetic focus. He’s going through what’s probably the toughest time in his life right now. As can be seen by my astrology chart, I have enough strength to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. My challenge lies in reaching out others when the weight of the world doubles, triples, etc. I always think: “Well, my muscles can just adjust to this new weight. That’s how it works.” Until I myself end up crashing and burning somewhere. Though my life is far from perfect, I’m in pretty good spirits. My best friend just needs all the positive energy he can get and I figured that many people sending goodness his way could be helpful. Have a great day.

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A Different Way

Serenity
The Pacific, Oceanside, California

Today, I just wanted to share something one of my friends shared on Facebook. I’m not sure if this story is fact or fiction (didn’t fact check). Regardless of its truthiness, it brought me joy to read it. It might for you too. Here it is:

“When he was 40, the renowned Bohemian novelist and short story writer Franz Kafka (1883-1924), who never married and had no children, was strolling through Steglitz Park in Berlin, when he chanced upon a young girl crying her eyes out because she had lost her favorite doll. She and Kafka looked for the doll without success. Kafka told her to meet him there the next day and they would look again.

“The next day, when they still had not found the doll, Kafka gave the girl a letter “written” by the doll that said, “Please do not cry. I have gone on a trip to see the world. I’m going to write to you about my adventures.”

“Thus began a story that continued to the end of Kafka’s life.

“When they would meet, Kafka read aloud his carefully composed letters of adventures and conversations about the beloved doll, which the girl found enchanting. Finally, Kafka read her a letter of the story that brought the doll back to Berlin, and he then gave her a doll he had purchased.

“This does not look like my doll at all,” she said. Kafka handed her another letter that explained, “My trips, they have changed me.” The girl hugged the new doll and took it home with her. A year later, Kafka died.

“Many years later, the now grown-up girl found a letter tucked into an unnoticed crevice in the doll. The tiny letter, signed by Kafka, said,

“Everything you love is very likely to be lost, but in the end, love will return in a different way.”

Muse

Hope you’ve all had/are having a lovely holiday! It’s been quite a relaxing day on my end and I’ve enjoyed every second of it. My day is ending with a beautiful surprise – my favorite Christmas gift. Anyone whom is really close to me knows that my favorite film, well, film trilogy, is the Before Series: Before Sunrise (1995), Before Sunset (2004), and Before Midnight (2013) by Richard Linklater. These films made quite the impression on me and I have yet to find a new favorite film/film series!

I understood that the films were based on a real-life encounter Richard Linklater had with a woman in Philadelphia. Her name was Amy Lehrhaupt.

Linklater met Lehrhaupt in fall 1989, when he was visiting his sister in Philadelphia. He was 29 and had just finished shooting Slacker, and was staying there for one night while passing through on the way home from New York. Lehrhaupt was several years younger, about 20. They met in a toy shop, and ended up spending the whole night together, “from midnight until six in the morning,” “walking around, flirting, doing things you would never do now.” As in Before Sunrise, most of what they did was talk, “about art, science, film, the gamut.” Did they kiss? Yes. Did they have sex? The Times went so far as to ask Linklater in a recent interview, but he said he wants to “leave a little mystery.” The Real Couple Behind Before Sunrise, Slate.com 

As I was watching It’s a Wonderful Life, my friend Ivanna texted me asking me if I knew the backstory of Before Sunrise. I told her that I was familiar with it. In true Ivanna fashion (she is always sharing the most interesting stuff with me), she shared a video with me. In this video, Jeff Rowan, shared a little bit about Amy’s life. This made my Christmas and filled my heart with an incredible amount of joy. I had no idea that someone had actually looked a little more into Amy’s life. Watching this provided me with some sort of closure.  Here it is!

I’ve said this before on this blog and I’ll say it again: all of our lives have an expiry date. Because of this Truth (upper case T truth), we have to commit ourselves to LIVE. Daily.

A Picturesque Christmas Eve: Lake Arrowhead

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Still, Lake Arrowhead, California

After settling into my dorm room in the Fall of 2008, I went down the hall in my dorm building floor and met my across-the-hall neighbor- Elise. Elise then introduced me to Matt (whom I’ve mentioned in this blog before). A trio, we were. This past Spring (2019), I got to be one of the bridesmaids in Elise’s wedding! It’s been over a decade and we’ve remained close. Elise’s husband, Mike, originates from Lake Arrowhead. Today, I drove up to see them! Last year, I went to Big Bear during the month of December. I loved visiting because it reminded me of Christmas “proper” – pine trees, fresh water, carolers, decorations, snow.  It reminded me of all the Christmas movies as well a fantasy of mine I described in this post. Lake Arrowhead reminded me of Big Bear, except this time I was surrounded by a beautiful family inside a beautiful home. Mike’s family is so special! I’m very grateful they had me over and that I was able to see Elise during the holidays.

We walked around Lake Arrowhead and here this post contains the photo documentation – as well as some photographs I took on the drive up – it was stunning. According to Mike’s mom, they sit at an altitude of about 5,200 ft – almost as high as Denver! It wasn’t as cold as I expected, though they were expecting snowfall (as evidenced by the number of clouds in these photos). Anyway, a happy Christmas to those of my followers that celebrate. And for those that don’t – a happy day!

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Heading Down
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Mike and Elise
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Mountains Peek
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Touching Trees
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Ridges
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Rapture

Flowing in a Winter Wonderland

I arrived to my hotel around 10:30PM. Denver accumulated between 10-15 inches of snow overnight. When I awakened it was about 5:30AM. I looked out the window into what were supposed to be the Rockies that were entirely invisible due to the low visibility conditions. I got ready to head to the clinic by 8:30AM. Fifteen minutes prior to leaving, my site alerted me that that the clinic was closed and the visit had to be rescheduled. I spent the morning polishing off my reports and finished off whatever work was remaining. Then, I met up with Nick. For what it’s worth, it took me 45 minutes to dig my car out from under the snow! Road conditions weren’t too terrible – I think the issue was the snow accumulation – it was a large amount of snow fall overnight (It might just be my inner former upstate New Yorker talking). Cleaning snow off my car brought me an immense amount of joy. I’d like to think I felt that way because I knew that by the end of the night I’d be back in sunny San Diego.

Nick and I wanted to go to the art museum, but it was closed. A lot of facilities were closed. We ended up going to the Aquarium since it was the only indoor facility that was open amidst the weather conditions. I recorded the jellyfish video above while at the Aquarium.  Did you know that the Denver Aquarium has tigers in it? I’m not sure how healthy it is for tigers to inhabit in a small Aquarium – so I was ethically torn. However, I must admit I was also in a state of awe. Marah (the tiger pictured below) along with his brothers Jalan and Besar are the oldest male Sumatran tigers in the United States. Nick and I spent the majority of our time around the tiger. Marah was strong – when he walked his muscles were visible. He would pace around his space container and move around while occasionally sitting to self-clean. It was fascinating to watch him – many of his mannerisms were reminiscent of Swami, the black cat that I live with.

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Marah, Sumatran Tiger, Denver Aquarium

Nick and I took a break and had lunch. I’ve mentioned Nick on this blog before – there are not enough words in my vocabulary to express how grateful I am for him. Nick has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever been given. He’s a brilliant individual with a strong follow-through game. I admire him and I’m beyond glad that he came into my life. As I’ve expressed before, his presence has been very healing for me. Seeing him is always a delight. We had lunch, saw the tiger once more, then I headed to the airport to fly back to San Diego.

Gratitude. I’m currently sitting at the San Diego airport waiting for a flight heading to San Francisco. Given that it’s Thanksgiving (in the US), I’m looking back at the past year with a deep sense of gratitude. It’s been a long road to get here – and an even longer, but exciting road lies ahead. Today I’m grateful that I have been given another breath. Another day as an embodied soul.  Looking forward to spending the next few days in the Bay are with Nicole. I haven’t been to San Francisco since 2017! It’s been a while. If you’re reading this today, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s my hope that you have a beautiful day regardless of where in the world you might be!

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Adventure Time – Nick and Wanda edition: Nick eating a gator and shrimp taco. “I don’t like that photo. My hair looks like a fish tail.” (Nick)

“Queen Tings”

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Long Beach, California

Yesterday at 7AM , I made my way to Long Beach. I conducted my visit. After leaving the clinic, I made my way to a Starbucks to polish off some work – reports, admin tasks, etc. As soon as I finished all the life tasks, I met up with Miley. I’ve mentioned Miley on here before. I’ve been mentoring Miley since 2017. On Wednesday, she officially moved into her apartment in LA. When I arrived at her apartment, I was overwhelmed with memories from September 2018 when I first moved to San Diego. At that time what I most wanted was a familiar face to simply be present. Ever heard the phrase, “Be the person you needed when you were younger.”? Miley and I have very similar backgrounds. We fall in the category of humans that due to family circumstances had to mature faster that our respective age demographic – we had to be there for ourselves in order to stay alive. Every time I interact with her, I experience joy. When we speak there is an ease, an effortless connection that flows without excessive explanation. She always tells me I’m the big sister she never had – it warms my heart. Her Pisces Sun and my Pisces Moon just vibe. 

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Miley’s Apartment, Los Angeles, California

After the sun set and some hours passed, we made our way to Pasadena. On the way to Pasadena, I asked Miley to DJ (PS. Always ask the Pisces Sun to DJ 😉 ). In Pasadena, we made our way to different stores, she ran some errands, and eventually we set into the evening. Everything from the music, the food, dessert, and the people we met throughout the night just flowed. Towards the end of the night we talked about our trajectories. From the beginning of our lives, to our meeting, to the now. I still remember the first time I met Miley. After she graduated, a mutual friend of ours recommended that we connect. The first time I met Miley she hurriedly walked into a coffee shop, wearing business casual, and she brought her laptop, CV, and all her materials. At the time, we were both still living in New York. Her preparation said a lot about whom she was. Yet it wasn’t her external presentation that spoke to me, but rather her energy. She possessed a spark, a fire, an energy that was drenched in the willingness to do whatever it takes. After that meeting, she followed up and followed through. And here she is today. Last night, my heart swelled as I witnessed her in a state of blossom. Out of all the feelings of satisfaction I’ve experienced in life, watching someone grow and evolve in front of your eyes is the most rewarding by far. I seriously haven’t done much for her – I’ve just been present! The action has 100% been on her.

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Pasadena, California

As the night progressed, we also talked about guys and love. Our evolution in the context of. We exchanged stories of the people we’ve met, the lessons we’ve learned, and the glow-ups we’ve experienced as a result of each interaction. We talked about the importance of standing in your worth and how doing so makes life in general much easier. I’d like to share two valuable lessons here: 1. The person/people you spend your life with is one of the most important decisions you’ll make in your life (The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Esther Perel)., 2. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

On 1: I personally watched my mother’s life disintegrate over the years because she chose to marry my father. An independent career woman with dreams and desires (with far more education and earning potential than my father) was made to choose between her career and her children. Of course she chose her children and from that point forward the quality of her life decreased. Suddenly, she had no meaningful work, no friends nor a social support system outside of my father (and eventually my sister and I), and no expressive nor creative outlet for her well-being. Religious and cultural beliefs led her to stay in a connection that was corrosive to her soul. The older I became, the more that I saw her individuality become that of my father’s. I observed health and vitality escape her body.  I remember turning 10 and asking myself, “Why do people want romance? Why do people want to get married? Why do people want love connections?” From my perspective, it was a sure way to ensure that your potential in life was zapped. Luckily, after I left home at 17 and entered the world at large, I came across couples and couple groups that were healthy – they we all individuals that had managed to find partnership. In this moment, I’d invite you to write down the 5 people closest to you. Do you like the relationships you have with those individuals? Are these people whom you feel you can continue to expand and grow with (given you put forth the work that maintaining healthy relationships requires)? Do you feel inspired by these people? The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives (Esther Perel). Or as Professor Brooks used to say, “You are the company you keep.” Love (meaning feelings of love) alone is not enough.

On 2: I can’t tell you the number of times in life I have found myself in situations where I have asked, “Is he into me?” Miley and I talked about this. I’ve had plenty of friends come to me in high-analytics mode wanting to determine if a person was into them or not. I’m laughing as I type this – there’s so much fun in this human experience. The answer is simple – NO. If you’re having to spend extensive amounts of time in Google or talking with your friends in regards to whether someone is into you or not, or how to make someone “want you”, the answer should be pretty clear. Some years ago, I was part of a Saturn Return (astrology) Workshop and I clearly remember one of the facilitators (Dana Balicki)  sharing a set of words that forever changed my life: “As soon as you’re trying to prove yourself, you’re giving your power away.” *jaw drop* If you find yourself trying to prove to him/her/they that you’re a good, attractive, beautiful, perfect, wonder, person, you’re wasting energy that you could potentially be using to pursue other amazing things in your life. Not everyone you come across is going to see your value. Accepting this hard truth will make life much easier. So go learn a new language, work on advancing your career, get into killer shape, find a way to travel the world, start a couple of businesses, move across the country/world, write 3 novels, or <insert something you want to do here>. I guarantee you that the moment you start pursuing the life that you desire and sharing it with those people you most love, you’ll start meeting more like-minded individuals that won’t make you feel like you have to prove your worth to be around them.

Don’t accept anything less than this (tune find courtesy of Miley):

The Moon Finds Home

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Favorite Cafe at Home

I was supposed to be en route to Denver at this moment, but my visit was cancelled this morning. What relief! I had a very productive day and will not be flying at all this week, though Denver and San Francisco both await me next week. Thursday and Friday, I will be in Long Beach – easy breezy drive. Today, I thought I’d share some clarifications as well as some stories. Here it goes!

Do I work? Yes, very much so. My work includes 80% travel. I am NOT flight crew. I work in clinical research. I don’t like posting much about my work on social media. If you want to know more, add me on LinkedIn.

What is the most cost effective way to travel? I don’t know. I haven’t paid for a single flight, hotel, or car rental in 4 years. All of my travel is either paid for by my company or via the points/miles I accumulate.

Is my work life the best thing ever? No. I don’t have much of a social life. Most of my current work weeks stretch between 60-80 hours and because I’m salaried it doesn’t matter if I work 2 or 168 hours in a week, I get paid the same. It’s a lonely path – I travel to multiple locations and I’m often alone. Having routines can be really difficult. And when I return home to San Diego I usually have to catch up on the human aspects of life with my weekends – take care of my car, cleaning, laundry, etc. There are days that I fall asleep and wish to never wake up. The last time I slept more than 5 hours is when I took some time off work in which I chose to stay-cation because even though I have all these points and miles, I do have a body that craves rest above all. Outside of work, my focus is my physical health, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to do what I do. I don’t do TV and I only go on social media to post stuff (minutes) not to scroll through it (hours).

Am I grateful for it? You bet. Beyond grateful. Research has been my life since 2006 and I don’t know anything else. While my current lifestyle is not sustainable in the long-term, it certainly has given me the opportunity of a lifetime. I am forever grateful that this is the path I have chosen to walk even though it’s hard as hell.

There are days where I look back at the beginning of it all and it seems surreal that the journey has led me here today. I was born in a city called Mayagüez in Puerto Rico. I was raised in a town called Moca (in the township of Aceitunas). I grew up in a small town where water and electricity were constantly turned off. There were empty acres of land with no end in sight. The ocean was a 10 minute drive away. Across the street, there were often cows and chickens roaming freely (the ones I often tried to befriend). When I wasn’t home, in my earliest childhood, I would spend time in my nanny’s house – the woman who took care of me. At her house, I would spend extensive amounts of time in her garden or attempting to talk to the fish in her tank. I’ve always been a little odd. Once I entered the school years, I spent a great amount of time with my grandmother. It is my belief that the time I spent with my nanny as well as the time I spent with my grandmother and maternal aunt in my early years became subconsciously crucial as I navigated difficult circumstances later in life. For those moments where I wanted life to end. In 1999, my parents decided to leave Puerto Rico and relocate to Rochester, NY.

Life in Rochester was hard. Not only did I have to acclimate to the near-the-Canadian border rough winters, but I suddenly found myself largely indoors, inside of a cramped apartment, without the social support system I had in Puerto Rico. My parents dove into their dogmatic and restrictive fundamentalist religious beliefs which became the foundation for severe dysfunction. Looking back now, I understand that they felt lonely and isolated. When people feel lonely and isolated, they become prey to fundamentalist claims of certainty no matter how bizarre those beliefs may actually be. Feelings of loneliness and isolation coupled with both of their severe trauma backgrounds – creates the hell of a family dynamic cocktail. I’d like to make it clear that while I don’t have deep emotional connections with neither of my parents in the present day, I check in on them at least weekly (on my mother daily) to ensure that they’re ok. Given the realities they lived and endured, they’re nothing less than superheroes. They spent their entire lives in what Brené Brown refers to as the arena fighting the good fight in the best way that they knew how. My parents were the first people that I had to learn to forgive. By learning how to forgive them, I also received my first lesson in unconditional love.

Due to the dysfunctional environment at home, I became obsessed with getting the perfect grades, become involved in every extracurricular endeavor I could get my hands on, found acceptable excuses to go less to a church that I felt I didn’t belong to, started sleeping less, and developed an eating disorder. I still remember the first time I decided to go on a long-term fast. It had nothing to do with body image (eating disorders are not about body image, they’re about control). It was my hope that if I didn’t eat for long enough, I would die and wouldn’t have to live at home. In 2006, the National Science Foundation (NSF) became my saving grace when they gifted a researcher at the University of Rochester a grant to hire talented high-school students as research assistants. In 2006, I began my career in research. This was the beginning of many, many years of grant-based research work for me (aka job insecurity, though it did help me build the hell of a CV). It was also the ticket to my freedom.

At 17, I was accepted in the Rochester Early Medical Scholar Program and made my way to the University of Rochester. I left home for good. Once at the University of Rochester, not only did I have to manage my academics and my budding research career, but I was suddenly introduced to the world of possibility: there was sex, drugs, alcohol, friendships, and a dizzying amount of freedom I didn’t know what to do with. What was I supposed to do when someone outside of myself didn’t control every second of everyday on my behalf? How was I supposed to manage it? As difficult as it was to navigate, every bit of me loved it: I was allowed to say that I loved gay people, and that I supported abortion, and that I thought people could do whatever they very well pleased without being reminded of my worthlessness, without being beaten, without being condemned, without being told I was going to amount to absolutely nothing in this lifetime. I met new friends (that later became my chosen family) and they supported me – they gave me hugs, invited me to fun events, told me I was smart and pretty and never beat me nor exhibited episodes of explosive and destructive rage. It was different with them. I didn’t have to spend the majority of my time examining and analyzing their body language in order to gauge how they felt – to determine if I needed to protect myself from physical danger. With them, I felt happy and free. Being around my chosen family felt like being in Theory of Knowledge class – a class I had taken in high school (for two years), which was taught by a fascinating woman named Juliet Rice. Ms. Rice was the first adult in my life that not only taught, but encouraged me to question everything. Along the same lines, came Mr. Moellering whom further emphasized the importance of curiosity and the inquisitive mind for success in life. By the time I made my way to Professor Brooks classes, I had been given permission to question. Yet it was Professor Brooks who gave me the license to fully engage with all life had to offer. These 3 teachers along with Professor Brown have been some of the most impactful adult presences in my life.

My dysfunctional background often led me to find myself in equally dysfunctional romantic connections. That’s a story for another day. This post is about my career trajectory. After my NSF grant work, I found project after project after project that was grant-funded. For those that are unfamiliar with grant-funded research work, here’s a quick crash course. Some governmental agency gives an institution and/or researcher some dollars for some kind of research for a period of time (ie. 6 months, 1 year, 2 years). After that time period is over, so is your grant. Time after time, I would find a position, gain a tremendous amount of experience and end up right at square one. There was a little voice inside of me that guided me not to give up. My quest for grant research work led me to New York City (where for a period of time I worked at Columbia University’s Medical Center) as well as to Washington, DC (where for a period of time I worked on research at American University).

From a reader’s perspective, that doesn’t  sounds all bad. Good for me! It all worked out. Well, that may be because I’m leaving out some details.

I don’t want her to have the freedom of having a car. I want to know where she is at all times. (Words my father told my uncle). I bought my first car in 2012. It was a 1999 Honda Civic. It was an $800 junkyard find that got the job done. I drove that little thing until the transmission went out. Our stories reside in the details. Like the number of nights I slept in my little car in the dead of winter. Or the semester where I went to school full-time and worked full-time and lived in complete isolation from society. There was the time where I lived in Manhattan and all of my money went to rent. At the time my meals consisted of a 69 cent bagel every other day. I would save my money and my best friend Matt and I would sometimes go get $3 dim sum on Canal St. (Chinatown). Life in New York was hard, but it was exciting. There was the 1 and A train express to the 168th street for Columbia’s Medical Center and trips to Flushing on the 7. You never realize the magic of an express train until you’re stuck on a local running on little sleep. As sleep deprived and skinny as I was while living in New York, there was always one thing or another that would make it worth while; and that little voice within – the one that asked me to hang on, to forge forward – better days were coming. My life in DC wasn’t that much different. I survived off of 1 PB & J sandwich a day. My roommate (Matt’s best friend from high school) had a really good friend whom was an incredible cook and would feed us from time to time. Amidst the lack of life security (and no safety net in sight), I experienced a great deal of emotional and sexual trauma which I will not expand on in this post. There were major losses along the way that constantly left me gutted and took my breath away. And yet all in all, that little voice within, asked me to carry on. 

I am forever grateful for the angels I met on the path: Ivanna, Sara, Matt, Elise, Cmack, Jalon, Quinlan, Liana, Jaisen, Kathlyn (and crew), Tony (and Jon!), N. Trabold, Librada, E. Poleschuk. I. Juskiewicz, Shirley, C. Field, C. Weaver, K. Helles, Tracy, Nick, and many more whom I’m forgetting. Each one of you were my saving graces and sources of divine interventions in moments when I thought it was all done (or where I was ready to end it). Each of these people believed in me when I could only focus on my worthlessness and my shortcomings – when I could only focus on what I had learned. And now after years of therapy, I have learned to give myself credit too. Credit for listening to that little voice within that asked me not to give up regardless of the circumstances. The voice of my heart. There were a million and one ways my upbringing affected me negatively. I acknowledge those. I have worked and continue to work on healing those. Yet, I’d like to highlight (as I’ve mentioned on this blog plenty of times before) – all shadows come with light counterparts and companions. You want to know something my parents did do right? They taught me how to stay in the arena.They taught me to show up. They taught me to navigate the unknown by navigating a culture drastically different than their own. They taught me to endure ridicule – for their accents and the way they looked – brown and poor. They taught me how to get up and show up even when all they could afford were clothes from Family Dollar, food from Save-a-Lot/Aldi, and could barely pay for heating for the apartment. They taught me how to become resourceful when their little junkyard Suzuki would give up in the midst of winter on the way to church. They taught me to stay the course, to listen to the relentless little voice inside that presented the possibility of a better tomorrow.

Today, I live a very different life from the life I once lived. It’s far more secure. Far more comfortable. I’ve traveled far and wide. I own reliable and aesthetically pleasing things. I shop at organic food shops. I live in a nice neighborhood in North County San Diego. I can go to different fitness studios. I have friends and connections in all walks of life. And I have the privilege of earning more money than both of my parents combined, so if they ever need practical support (besides me helping them navigate American bureaucracy), I can be there on their behalf. My life certainly hasn’t been easy. I wasn’t “dealt” a fair hand, but you want to know something? That’s precisely what made me into a force to be reckoned with.  I didn’t turn out the way I turned out because I’m some super special creature with killer work ethic that makes no excuses. That’s a fucking myth. I turned out this way because life was fucking hard. Because I failed. Because I made plenty of excuses and surrendered to the demons of defeat and somewhere inside of me my spirit found the courage to try again, to take one more breath, to stay in the arena. I’m here because I took a bunch of little steps, some risks, with a dash of luck, a bunch of journey angels, and the hell of a lot of divine intervention. In one of the Professor Brooks classes, he once ended it by saying, “The universe doesn’t care about fair. The universe is indifferent.” The universe responds to action, to courage – to those that are willing to lean into the possibility of just one more breath when everything else seems to have collapsed. It is often in that one breath that we find the infinite.

There were a few times in this post where I mentioned the concept of a hopeful relentless voice. I’ve identified that voice, as the deep part of me that not only craved, but knew I deserved love and belonging against all odds and experiences with plenty of contrary evidence. I’m currently reading Colin Bedell’s Queer Cosmos (if you’re interested in astrology – he’s worth the read! An astro-genius Gemini). While reading the book, I came to a halt when he began to describe the sign of Cancer. He says, “As I’ve said: no sign has a monopoly on merit. But only cancer can claim “belonging” as its home.” I am a Cancer Ascendant (also commonly referred to as the rising sign). Mr. Bedell beautifully defines the Ascendant as “Your Visibility and Representation: Since all luminaries, planets, and constellations rise and set in one twenty-four-hour day from your vantage point on Earth there is always one zodiac sign ascending on the easternmost horizon for approximately two and half hours until the day is complete…Think of your ascendant as your drag persona. Since it’s first impression we make on others, the ascendant is the universe’s first impression on our chart. It textures the entire birth chart – all of the other elements of our chart are expressed through this sign.” He continued by providing a definition of the knowingness or magic that an Ascendant in Cancer (like mine) possesses:

Ascendant in Cancer: Moonlight shines from your heart. Ruled by this luminary, your first impression is magnetic, alluring, and felt deeply. When you walk into a room people know there’s a depth, a knowing, an enchanting quality that shines and resonates from your being. The same curiosity we have with the moon, people have with you – wondering both how and why you move around the world so differently. You teach the zodiac the answer, which is the power of following the path of your heart”.  Cancer Ascendant, Queer Cosmos, Colin Bedell

Tonight, I sit in my bed. With my weighted blanket. My himalayan salt lamp. And an overwhelming feeling of home. I look back at the trajectory that has led me here and think of Hans Christian Andersen’s Ugly Duckling. This Ugly Duckling finally found its home – it finally found a place to belong – and realized she has been a swan all along. Now that I have a solid foundation (as defined by Abraham Maslow), I’m excited to partake in the heroine journey that awaits. May both you and I always remember that regardless of where the journey takes us – home is in our heart – where we’ll always truly belong. 

PS. A very special ‘Thank You’ to Dean Burns whom went out of his way to understand what was truly going on after my suicide attempt. After I told him my family backstory, he made a case for me needing to stay at the university and paired me with a mentor until graduation.