Word Weaponry: Spellcaster

“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.” Oscar Wilde

enigma

A Piscean moon rises to the surface exalted by its ninth house explorations. She senses a vampiric, succubuistic energy,  that masters in the art of shape-shifting – trying to get away with deception. Scoundreling through corners to peek at the shadows that she must learn to mimic. Not quite like this – perhaps this is close enough -who will be there as a critic? Even the best of forged copies will never come quite close to the original – for soulful imprints cannot be replicated. Soul depth is atypical. In her dizzying poison she casts spells of darkness that appear to the King as white magic enchantments. She bats her lashes, she giggles – as his kingdom is defiled in a gilded manner. It’s a Gilded Age – or so it seems – nothing else matters!

At night, she peels off her carefully crafted costume leaving nothing to the eyes but bare bones. As a walking skeleton, she hides near the Queen’s headquarters to study her ways and see how to be, how to become. Prior to the arrival of dawn, she returns to her costume and makes further tweaks and adjustments – one ridge closer to the fingerprint, an addition to the trail of crumbs.

As the clock struck midnight on the following eve, she returned to the Queen’s headquarters only to be reprieved. She’s no where to be found tonight. Perhaps she’s with the King. Hurriedly, she took off to the King’s Quarters and found him amongst a new set of concubines. Little attention did she pay to the King. Instead she wondered, “Where could have gone she, the Queen?” A half hour prior to the midnight strike, under a cloak of invisibility, the queen had met with the high-priestess, the leading witch, a consort to Selene. She had warned the Queen of a thespian impersonator. A being so desperate to be seen, she had resorted to the ways of an imitator. Oh my- what a scene! Take this mirror dear and place it the court of the King. It reflects all untruth and illusion then destroys as it sees fit. The Queen in a new found state of tranquility, had one of the court keepers place the mirror behind the throne of the King.

The next morning during a procession, all were united, past the full moon with his majesty, exalt thee! And they danced, and they sang, they drank – oh they lived! No one had noticed that the Queen was nowhere to be seen. As the procession had started, she had gathered her belongings and set her heart to flee. Running with reckless abandon through boundless rivers, at last, oh at last, she was free! As the guests left the court, the mimicry approached He. Suddenly she began to disintegrate – what do we have here, let’s see? Her carefully crafted costume melted as if having touched sulfuric acid – and darkness overtook the kingdom – a sudden change, it was drastic.

Illusion galore! Illusion revealed!

Take a page from the surrealists, a peek through the looking glass of the magical realists – you can’t copy what you can’t decipher.

Or perhaps let’s resort to Dada and let’s ask Beatrice!

Dragon Fire Alchemy: The Pacifist

sunset
Sunset on a flight from Idaho Falls, Idaho to Salt Lake City, Utah

Pero eres pacifista (But you’re a pacifist).” My mother says with a little shake in her voice. After all of my movement modalities, my aggression was still present. There are not enough kickboxing gyms in San Diego. I felt a little nudge to call my mother. Generally, I avoid calling my mother in heightened states of emotion. Her responses are typically plated with religious platitudes and in the context of rage that simply doesn’t help. As calm and serene as the ocean can be, you can’t try to reason with the ocean in the middle of a tsunami. I am Daenerys Targaryen and I will burn this whole fucking village to the ground! Dammit! I’m grateful that I have plenty of Jon Snow’s in my life that are willing to wield many metaphoric swords to bring me back down to earth (Aries midheaven anyone?). Back to my mother…

I begin to tell her about my emotional state. About the dreams I’ve been having and the rage that has been consuming me. She simply listens. A couple of minutes in and I feel better. Her response is very grounded and level-headed, “You’re just like your father. Graceful, fair, grounded, calm, collected, understanding, empathetic, and rational, until the button is pushed. He must have found THE button, eh? I’ve never seen you like this. You are your father’s daughter.” My all-consuming rage suddenly transforms into explosive laughter. My mother laughs with me. “Yes – I’m sweetness embodied, but do people forget I’m a Latina?! Our fire goes both ways!” We laughed some more. She continues the conversation and gives me her take on the situation.

Mmm, nobody pop off, nobody get murked
Nobody scream, it’ll prolly get worse
Now I’m the curse, this is my turf
Before I kill ’em, I’ma torture them first
Bad chiquita, así yo soy bonita
But you about to need a prayer from a preacher
Eye of the tiger, faster than a cheetah
Hop out the spider, then it’s hasta la vista
Dead line, now you a dead man for real
Dead man for real, dead man for real
Dead line, now you a dead man for real
Dead man for real, I tell you dead line for real
Dead line, now you a dead man for real
Dead man for real, dead man for real
Dead line, now you a dead man for real

Nicki Minaj & Anuel AA (Feat. Bantu) – Familia

You see. I don’t think Alex is the object of your anger or rage here. As a matter of fact, you seem to be pretty emotionally distant from him. I can sense it in your voice. What you haven’t let go of is that something external to you kicked you out of balance. As my daughter, I’ve always admired your centeredness and your unstoppable will power. You sometimes appear unshakable. You’ve been through quite a lot. I know you take pride in these qualities and are angry that someone’s behavior affected you so deeply that you were no longer able to hold on to them. You lost your peace. You lost your center. You lost your balance. You’re human. Here’s what how I think you should move forward…

Yes – continue to avoid him at all costs. Accept that sometimes in life you don’t have to win. You don’t have to be right. You don’t have to prove a point. I know you believe in righteousness, justice, and fairness at all costs, and you hate the feeling of things being unfinished or out of balance. You want a verdict! But this here is about you and your well being. Let God take care of justice. There is no shame in running away and cutting off connections that are enabling you to establish or re-establish toxic patterns. Know when to surrender. There are some people that are not meant to be part of your path. Do you remember the story of Joseph the Dreamer in the Bible? Remember when Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph and then he ran away? There are some situations in life when that is called for -when that is the wisest path, the correct course of action.

Secondly work on forgiveness. Forgive him, yes. But mostly work on forgiving yourself. We all have moments of weakness – where we falter and fail. You’ve worked so hard to be where you are, so you’re rightfully pissed that something so minute would make you shake! Now, what I’m about to share, is not with the intent to make you angrier, but to provide you with a big-picture perspective. To save you from drowning in those details! He’s sick. When people begin to live their lives in such ways, it’s typically a symptom of a deep, festering wound. I intuitively feel that he’s in a deep state of pain. Pain that you can’t even imagine. Yes, he might be able to “pull off” a life on the external, but he’s consumed with a deep, soulful ache. I know that right now you’re not in a state to call forth compassion, so I’ll do it on your behalf. I’m going to pray for him. Now as for you, I want you to focus on you. Work with a therapist on the rage. Anytime you feel the smallest bit of anger – acknowledge it and release it. Don’t feed it. And don’t hide it. MOVE it through your body.”

My mother is a Leo Sun and Sagittarius Moon with a Cancer Ascendant. She’s both the embodiment of empathy and positivity. She’s been through hell and back more times that I can count. In all my years of traveling and galavanting, I have never met a being quite like her.

Mama, have you ever felt rage?”

She responds: “To be really honest with you, I can’t recall the last time that I did. Perhaps in my youth. I try to live life seeking for silver linings. Feeding whatever good is possible. I know that like your father, you have a bit more of a temper. And that’s ok. You’re allowed to feel. Don’t compare your experience of reality to mine.”

What a divine vessel, that woman.

My mama.

 

Raging Fires: Bringing the Shadow Into the Light

C

Brené Brown has a phrase that says “People are hard to hate up close. Move in.” But what happens if in the process of moving in , a rage response is triggered where your animalistic desires rise to the conscious surface?

The last few dreams I had of him, were ones where I murdered him. Graphic and vivid scenes – where I psychologically and physically tortured him until I watched him take his last breath. I’m the type of person that takes pride in her ability to hold space, to be empathetic, to be understanding. Yet dreams like these bring me back down to reality and remind that I’m human after all – we are animals with deep urges rooted in life or death.

“Fue más importante qué dijo la gente, que a dónde podíamos llegar
En el mundo de mí están hablando
Diciendo mil cosas
Que me ven por aquí, que me ven por allá
Por mi vida famosa
Tú me conoces de años atrás, sabes cómo es la cosa
Tú sabes que yo soy real
Te lo dije una vez
Y sé que nuestro amor es periódico de ayer
Que tú no lo quieres leer, que ni por la calle tú me quieres ver

Chris Jeday – Ahora Dice (Official Video) ft. J. Balvin, Ozuna, Arcángel

Last night’s dream was a little different. This time, I didn’t physically hurt him. Instead I found myself in front of him near an abandoned building. My eyes greeted him and I requested  that he not come near me with any kind of touch. He told me he had some words to say.  I told him I wanted to share first. I began to speak:

I want you to understand that I have no respect for you. It is to the point that I have a difficult time perceiving you as human. The more compassion I try to approach this situation with, the more intense the fires of rage and destruction grow within. There is nothing that you can do or say to make me view you through a human lens again. I don’t care that you’re someone’s son nor someone’s father. Your behavior disgusts me. It repels me. It drives me to a state of contempt. You don’t deserve my time nor my energy, but my sisters do. I want you to understand that right now I am just a symbol – a collective symbol for all the women you’ve led on, you’ve taken advantage of, you’ve abandoned – because you’re a master of the art. You’re the hell of a rolling stone. This rage that I hold is not only mine – but rage on behalf of the collective feminine energy you’ve tampered with. 

There’s a saying in the pop-astrology world that says that “You haven’t met karma until you’ve met a Capricorn.” Do you want to know what sign loves balance more than Libra? Capricorn. And you know something else? The type of balance that Capricorn loves is known as karmic balance. The sign of Capricorn is represented by the devil card in the tarot. It is also ruled by the planet Saturn – the disciplinarian, the ruler of time. It is the sign that will hold space for you and bring forth mercy through the mechanisms of time. Yet if Saturn holds space for you, and you keep repeating the same patterns again and again and again, that’s when the devil breaks all hell lose. Compassion, kindness, and mercy become raging fires of torture until you’re toppled and down on your knees begging for one more breath.

 If I were to be true and honest to my deepest desires in regards to you – I want to see you suffer. I want to see you in psychological pain  -the worst kind of pain. But I understand that me stooping to that level will not balance the karmic scales – it would de-stabilize them further. I am simply just here as a messenger, a harbinger. Alex, take heed and change your ways or the universe will force it upon you. I must leave now. I’m off to keep building, healing, and moving upward.

As for those words you wanted to share…shove them up your ass. Farewell.”

As I vanished into thin air, I awakened. I think of all the aggression this Aries Full Moon carries. An image of my father acting on his rage crosses my mind and I only feel compassion. I finally understand. While it doesn’t excuse my father’s behavior, now that I’m experiencing the all consuming fires of rage on a personal level – I can forgive my father with deep sincerity. My father and I differ. For one, I would never physically act on my rage. I’ll go to 10 yoga classes, 16 meditations, run a marathon, lift for three hours…find alternative ways to let the build-up release. Yet having this experience helps me understand and head towards healing deep ancestral trauma.

The truth is that the human experience has a myriad of states. It is not all love and light. When we repress any of our desires rather than taking time to acknowledge, process, and integrate them into the wholeness of our being, we birth shame. And as Brené Brown says “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” This is my Sunday morning share to remind you that it’s okay to allow yourself to be human. Remember, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” (Brené Brown) Love your darkness as fervently as you love your light. In that space of love for both the darkness and the light, is where true transformation occurs.

Grounded

Yesterday, I felt spacey throughout the day. I got to my townhouse at 12:30 AM Friday, slept some and woke up for a morning meeting. Given that my energy felt unanchored from reality, I used what little focus I could muster to finish my work tasks in order to get to the beach and get a workout in. Grounding. If we’re not grounded on this material plane, all else is useless (and almost impossible to do). As much as this century admires bright minds – what is a mind without a body?

This AM I was able to go to yoga – *sigh of relief*! It was exactly what I needed – lymphatic drain, joint moisture, and extensive opening of the hip flexors. Then, I spent hours in the ocean. Currently taking a quick break to head back and read a book on the sand! I’ll end the night with a workout. Finding balance after being in three states with drastically different conditions (I went from the coast to the desert to winter in the high mountains back to the coast in a 72 hour period), can certainly be a challenge. Next week, I’ll be heading toward the Palm Springs area and then up to Michigan. It seems to never end.

Though my travel schedule is up and running (And a little hectic), October is turning out to be a beautifully social month. Things are lining up and it’s all very exciting! Now if I could just figure out this sleep thing….Last week I billed 75 hours in a 5 day period. And because I’m salaried I get paid the same no matter what. Now I’m not complaining – I make damn good money, but a girl wants her rest too.

Home Bound

I feel very thankful to be sitting inside the Idaho Falls airport right now. Earlier today, I experienced a traveler’s greatest nightmare: A misplaced wallet. Luckily, after a bit of search it turns out I had left it at the hotel. Just a little tip: Always leave a form of photo ID at home. For example,  when I travel domestically, I leave my passport at home and use my Global Entry ID at the airport. Had I not found my wallet today, I would have extended my stay for a day and would have asked one of my roommates to ship my passport overnight express. Having paper copies of all of your photo ID’s at home is also a great idea. In case you ever need to replace documents, having even a copy of a photo ID can give you a little extra boost beyond your birth certificate and social security card (if you’re a USA citizen).  Other tip: Apple Pay (or some other electronic record of payment information) will also be a huge life and time saver in case you lose your wallet while traveling.

Idaho Falls was supposed to be in the 50s (per a Tuesday evening forecast), but also experienced a bit of snow and a drastic drop of temperature on Wednesday evening.  Though I would have preferred the temperatures in the 50s, the chilly air was the perfect touch to the gorgeous Teton backdrop. I can’t wait to make my way to Jackson, Wyoming!  So I can touch, feel, breathe and step foot on the Tetons. Luckily, the snow didn’t stick and the temperatures weren’t low enough to create really icy roads. Driving was a breeze in comparison to my experience in Montana the previous night.

After finding my wallet, I had lunch at A Street Soup Market and then headed to the airport (to do a bit more work!). I’m currently  waiting to board a flight to Salt Lake City, where I’ll ultimately end up in San Diego. While I’ve been lucky to hop around this beautiful part of the country (and gain a state in the process) for a few days, I’m pretty tired and looking forward to the rest and routines. Also, the ocean. I really miss her.

Montana

Back to you, ooh Montana
Take me back to you, ooh, Montana

Justin Timberlake, Montana

 

Justin Timberlake has a song called Montana in his Man of the Woods album. John Mayer left his New York and Los Angeles homes behind and found a sweet spot in Paradise Valley. What is it about Montana?

Where do I even begin? For one, it makes the 46th state I visit out of the 50. While I was at the Salt Lake City airport last night I decided to look at the weather forecast and noticed that it was in the mid-20s and snowing in Helena. I instantly felt panic take over me. The week prior I had looked at the weather report and the temperatures had been forecasted around the 50s. All I had were two thick sweaters and a leather jacket. I didn’t bring my full winter coat. I was bound to land in Helena at midnight and had to drive about an hour to Butte on four hours of sleep. To allow the panic to settle , I simply took a deep breath and whispered, “Universe, I need reassurance that everything is going to be okay.” 

Sitting next to me on the flight was an older gentleman in his mid-50s. We instantly started chatting and continued to do so for the remainder of the flight. He asked me what I did for a living and I responded. “Did you study public health? He asked. I was stunned – I typically have a very hard time explaining to others what public health is in a succinct manner, but he already knew! His daughter who’s in her early twenties is currently studying public health and looking to advance her career. He asked me for my business card and I gave him one. As the flight went on, he went out of his way to determine the best route for me to take to Butte and also recommended that I rent a 4 wheel drive. We continued conversing and talking about Yellowstone – he then showed me pictures of when he last went with his family. I knew in the deepest part of my heart that this was the confirmation I was was seeking. Everything was going to be alright. When we landed, he introduced me to his wife whom was waiting for him.

I went straight to the National counter and requested an upgrade to a 4 wheel drive. I’d like to say that this is not a paid advertisement in any way, shape, or form, but that was best customer service I’ve ever received, at any airport (and I’m a freq travel girl!). The guy at the counter, Ben, not only set me up with a brand new Tacoma for the road, but also suggested the best route to take given the weather conditions and the time of day. He also provided me with two maps as guidance. Pro tip: When you’re driving through the mountains in the dead of night, you might want to have a backup in case your phone signal decides to tap out. By 12:30 AM, I was on the road ready to embark on what was supposed to be a 1-hour journey.

The roads were dangerous. The passageway to Butte was covered in ice. Having previously lived in Upstate New York, I was familiar with the conditions, but even still, they were treacherous. The elevation in New York State doesn’t compare to that of Montana. My supposed one hour drive turned into five and half hours. Visibility was almost non-existent and the road lane demarcations were nowhere to be seen. I spent the majority of my time trying to manage the delicate dance between using the gas pedal and a soft break – an art of balance when driving on ice. To make the experience a little less stressful for myself, I started taking deep breaths and blasted the country music that was playing on the radio. Five and half hours later, around 6AM, I arrived at my hotel.

The woman at the hotel was kind enough to let me check into the room although it was already the next day. I was able to sleep for two hours and then head on to work for the day. After my day was finished, I drove back, but this time during the daylight. The drive back, though a little bit clearer, was still intense. However, what stood out this time around, was the beauty of the scenery. I’ve been to the Colorado Rockies, all over the PNW, yet these mountains have a certain age, seriousness, and wisdom that inspire me to revere them even more so.  

Montana. My state #46. The kindness of your people, the treachery of your winter, and the magic of your sceneries will hold a special place in my heart. Next time, I’ll come greet you as you awaken your beautiful spring senses. I can only imagine how brilliant you’ll be when the sun shines and the flowers bloom.

I find it rather bizarre that on Monday night I flew from my coastal home (San Diego) to the desert (Las Vegas) then to the high snowy mountains (Montana). Life can be so wild! Off to Idaho tonight!

46/50

I’m currently sitting at the Vegas airport waiting to board a flight to Salt Lake City, Utah so that I can make my way to Helena, Montana. Montana will be the 46th state I visit out of the 50 states! I hear nothing, but incredible things about the Montana scenery. It all travel goes smoothly I should arrive to my hotel by 2AM. This trip was a particularly successful one. I got to see Mel again! A few posts ago, I had mentioned that I met an incredible professional connection while in Oklahoma City. Here we were working together again!

First, we have a ridiculous amount in common – in regards to background. She’s an incredible woman with an overwhelming amount of experience not just in our industry, but in life. Talking to her is a breath of fresh air. I always learn something from her every time we interact. It’s incredible to see all she’s accomplished in her life despite major setbacks. Grateful we got to reconnect. Luckily, we both reside in the same city! It’s simply a connection waiting to blossom.

I’ll admit that I feel very sleepy. I wasn’t able to sleep well last night and I have quite a ways of traveling to complete before I arrive at my next destination. It’s my hope that I can sleep during the flight! As far a today is concerned, this is all I can muster. There are no deep thoughts nor life-altering realizations today. Today, this little piece of cyberspace is serving as my diary (and allowing me to keep the momentum of a daily post!).