Dear April, Cayendo

No hablará de mí, ni hablará de esto
Lo que él quiere de ti, yo no se lo negaría
Si esto no me ha partío’, ya no me partiré nunca
Si puedo soportar lo que siento, ¿por qué me ‘toy cayendo?
Acaso voy cayendo

Cayendo, Frank Ocean

I often get angry at my self for not being emotional. For the past four years, my emotional experiences have been rare and often limited to intense anger and rage. It’s really difficult for me to feel sad, to cry. It irritates me that sadness is not easily accessible to me. What could possibly be wrong with me? Ask some astrologers and they might tell you something along the lines of how although I’m a Cancer rising and a Pisces Moon, I have 6 planets in Capricorn in the 7th house. <Insert> something or another about being “contained” – about having my emotions in check. Something about restriction. Something about control. Doesn’t quite ring true right now.

I wish I were more sensitive.

Anyway, so I really, really, really wanted to feel today. Anything. Everything. I yearn to feel. I want to feel. Frank Ocean crossed my mind. I asked myself, “I wonder what Frank Ocean has been up to?”  I searched and came across two songs recently released: Dear April and Cayendo. While I don’t necessarily relate to the experiences the lyrics allude to, these song musically moved me. In an ineffable way. They made me feel. A small feeling. One I wasn’t necessarily able to define. A feeling much more preferable to the ongoing bulletproof void that consumes me.

The Cayendo track has Spanish lyrics. My first language. That deepened my feels.

Perhaps the best word to describe the feelings and sensations the songs evoked, is ‘nostalgia’. For something I’ve never had. Maybe that’s what I felt –

Nostalgia for a home that doesn’t exist.

Something about this line struck a chord in my heart –Si esto no me ha partío’, ya no me partiré nunca

It translates into: If this hasn’t broken me, I will never break.


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