10 Clarifications

Just some clarifications!

  1. I work for a company, I do not own a company (nor do I ever want to). I do not work by myself, I am part of a (remote) team. Also, I’m NOT a contractor/consultant. For fuck’s sake, it’s 2020, cyberstalking is pretty easy! Search harder!
  2. I am self-absorbed, egocentric, self-centered, and selfish. I’m a weak creature. For now, I’m all I’ve got.
  3. I’m not a highly-evolved, creature that has transcended the human experience and is an all-knowing beam of light who spends the entirety of her days observing her thoughts patterns to change her reality. I’m not one of those creatures and I also don’t desire to be one! Love & light to that subset though!!!!!
  4. Which reminds me: I’m ungrateful, wasted potential, and deeply aware that there are thousands of people taking their last breaths right at this very moment wishing they had my life. Life works in mysterious and unfair ways.
  5. I will do everything in my power including put my life at risk to meet deadlines and get things done (have been hospitalized twice due to physical exhaustion) but I’m also a lazy piece of garbage! I mostly work this hard to collect data on the long-term sustainability of capitalism as an economic system. (PS. With an N of 1, my data doesn’t mean shit 😉 )
  6. I can write you a dissertation on my weaknesses, if you ask. I’m  intimately acquainted with them and also romanticize them above any other quality I may possess. I’m still in the process of trying to understand and observe what strengths I have. I must have at least one since I’ve stayed alive for this long.
  7. My greatest driving force is freedom aka being able to thrive without my thriving being dependent on how much I produce!!!! Can you imagine a society in which people were able to live outside of the realms of production? Oh – the horror!
  8. My greatest desire is death. However, I understand that my death would hurt some of the people I’ve met, thus I have accepted that I have to stay alive. I technically don’t have to, but I respect their lives too much to derail them for my own selfish gain. I may experience peace from my death (or I may not! It’s unknown), but they would experience pain and sorrow. Hence, for as long as I’m a functional homo sapien, I’ll keep on keeping on.
  9. I have no desire to be remembered, esteemed, or known. If it were possible to obliterate my existence from reality, I would do everything in my power to follow that path. Unfortunately, complete obliteration (including a complete wiping of memories of the people that have met me in this lifetime) is impossible.
  10. Not looking to be saved. Looking to be left the fuck alone.

So here’s another tool (used to potentially detect depression):

Screen Shot 2020-03-08 at 5.24.34 PM

Refer to the image above to see which statement my answers correspond to:

  1. 0 – I don’t necessarily do things for pleasure. I do things that have to get done. I write down a checklist and get them done. My level of interest is irrelevant. What has to be done, has to be done.
  2. 0 – Once again, I’m in a space of neutrality. Am I angry that I have to be human? Hell yeah. Does that make me feel down, depressed, or hopeless? No. Watching a single mom work three job to keep food on the table makes me feel down, depressed, and hopeless. Watching people treat others they perceive as lesser (consciously or unconsciously) makes me feel down, depressed, and hopeless. Watching someone beat the shit out of a dog makes me feel down, depressed, and hopeless. But simply existing doesn’t make me feel that way.
  3. 0 – When it’s under my control (aka not traveling), I sleep between 10-11 PM. I set my alarm between 6-8 hours after that. At the latest, I wake up exactly when my alarm goes off, though typically I wake up 5-10 minutes before my alarm goes off).
  4. 0 – Listen, I take two doses of neu-regen before 2PM and I’m a fucking golden girl. I never feel tired or like I have little energy. The exception: If I slept less than 6 hours, if I go to more than 3 cities a week with changing time zones, if I pull an all-nighter – but I think most humans would feel tired under those conditions!!!
  5. 0 – Intermittent Fasting takes care of this one!!! When my app tells me my feeding window is open, I eat. When the app tells me is time to fast, I fast. Pretty straight forward!!!!!
  6. 3 – I feel like a failure often. But what my family thinks of me thinking that doesn’t affect me.
  7. 0 – Listen, when I have something to get done, I will set a timer and put everything on airplane mode until it’s done. My asshole will not move, until the task at hand is done.
  8. 0 – I’ve never been told told I speak slowly or too quickly. I’m using other people as a gauge because I think it’s hard to know what the speed of your speech is. I try to say every word in the sentences I am thinking,
  9. 3 – I have ZERO desire to hurt myself. None. However, I do think that I would be better off dead. Death-ideation and suicidal-ideation are NOT the same thing!!!!
  10. Not at all difficult – When something has to get done, I will suspend the entirety of my humanity to make sure it gets completed (It might be work, human interaction, life errands, etc). And want to know something? People love that shit. “Thank for saving my life!” “OMG thank you SO much”. And here’s a little secret: The more you show capacity to handle heavy workloads or difficult tasks, the more you will receive!

TOTAL SCORE: 6

Screen Shot 2020-03-08 at 5.24.54 PM

Conversation with a friend:

Me: So now that you’re officially a therapist, how’s the job search going?

Friend: Wanda, I know I did all the grad school work to be a practicing therapist, but I don’t want to practice. I DON’T WANT TO PATHOLOGIZE THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE.”

Me: As in sometimes, life just sucks and having a strong reaction to that is perfectly normal and it’s not reflective of abnormal pathology?

Friend: Exactly.

Ya’ll have a great week!!!!


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