And then tears begin to stroll down my cheeks, my appetite decreases, and the sensation of desire overpowers my being. To hold space for desire is my personal definition of courage. A therapist of mine shared: When you allow this desire you’ve been suppressing to come to the surface, it’s going to be a challenge. I think of her words as my body pushes me further into wanting to give up. Is this really what I want? Romance? Love? I can just keep coasting on my life as is – there is absolutely nothing wrong with the life I’ve built. My response to her? I’d rather endure the pain of abuse than the pain of desire.
Working through what you’ve repressed is not a task for the faint of heart. For the vast majority of the population, romantic desire is the norm – sometimes too much of a norm and it’s often something that they talk (and complain) about openly. I’ve spent a good portion of my life drowning this desire, denying it, running away from it, chastising myself for even the faintest bit of the want rising to my conscious surface. I trained myself to not want to desire others outside of a surface level for the purposes of self-protection and to give myself the space to only focus on my career. Now that I understand the how much self-inflicted damage I’ve caused to my being, I’m allowing myself to want and it’s proving to be quite painful.
To be human is to want. Professor Brooks, whom I’ve mentioned on this blog before, would often remind us in his classes. By taking a tantric approach to yoga, he steered away from the Zen masterful ways that seek to follow paths that eliminate desire. From Dr. Brooks perspective, to try to eliminate desire is to miss the core of the human experience.
Scorpio season in conjunction with mercury retrograde is putting our desires to the test. How badly do we want what we say we want? Are we willing to make and hold space for those desires? It is easy to fill the space of desire with “stuff”, but we all know that’s not how we get the ultimate prize. Sometimes the only action we need to take is the one we avoid the most: Sitting with empty space.
Today, I am weak. Even my body feels physically weak. But I am choosing not to fill my desire with temporary distractions. In this modern century it seems to be the go-to: hookup and alcohol and drugs and whatever else people do to entertain themselves from their inner work. I don’t think anyone has ever died from wanting. From my perspective, my worst case scenario is a complete abandonment of what I want and complete retreat away from society – which is certainly an option.