I understood loneliness
Before I knew what it was
Reporting from my hotel room in Wichita, Kansas. I arrived around 4:30 PM today and will be back in San Diego by 7:20 PM tomorrow. I especially enjoyed this hotel’s gym and the nearby Whole Foods. I appreciate it, Wichita! Yet as grateful as I am to be able to groove and flow with all my travel, I am more than ever, fervently craving romantic love. I’m dreaming of adventurous days followed by quiet dinners at home. A dog. Life near the beach. I can envision precisely what I desire. I want to write about it more – when it’s not midnight and I have to be up by 5:30AM (I lost 2 hours traveling east!).
The guy that I most recently met (I mentioned him here a few times, though not by first name!), taught me a great deal. With his gentle demeanor, his precise communication, and his patience, my defenses weren’t up as high, or there at all. By being in his presence, I understood, that everyone that had come into my life previously seriously just wasn’t on the same wavelength! Communicating with him was easeful. I didn’t feel restricted nor held back in any way. I also learned from him that as long that two people treat each other kindly, parting ways doesn’t have to be full of heart-shattering, breathless moments. It can just be a moment of recognition for what something was, a tad bit of disappointment, and ultimately acceptance that we’re all just doing our best. It’s really nice to interact with (emotionally, mentally) healthy people. It’s really, really refreshing. I also learned what Matthew Hussey means when he says “Invest in people what they invest in you.” This is prior to a commitment, of course. It is natural for the balance to shift once you’re in relationship with someone (100/0, 80/20, 60/40, etc.), but when you’re getting to know someone there should be equality. So if it doesn’t work out, you’re not plagued by the “I put in all this effort for what” feeling. Let it be a dance – step by step.
Of course she was sad
But now she’s glad she dodged a bullet (Mm)
Took a few years to soak up the tears
But look at her now, watch her go
Tonight I think of him – as an archetype, a prototype. A sweet California boy. I find his background rather fascinating – Sicilian, Spanish, and Mexican. Of course, he’s gorgeous. The deep sound of his voice. And his face – wow. The feeling of his hands. And how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. His attention to detail. His knowledge of food and drink – which I have none of – it’s never been my area of interest. I see food as utility, he sees it as a sensual practice. Also, do guys know how fun it is to have to engage your calf muscles and be on the top most ball of your feet to hug someone?! I think it’s the first time I really experienced that. I never understood the “tall guy” appeal until now! I’m beyond grateful that such a human came into my life. People like him deserve nothing but good karma and wish fulfillment – he hasn’t necessarily had the easiest life.
All I crave tonight is to be held. The sound of the ocean. Family stories. Metaphysical references. A kiss. A deeper touch. Laughter. Play. Ease. Flow. Surrender.
It’s all happening. It’s all unfolding. All I have to do is let the universe take reign. From my end, I will keep showing up in life with my heart wide open.
“Your weirdness will make you stronger. Your dark side will keep you whole. Your vulnerability will connect you to the rest of our suffering world. Your creativity will set you free. There’s nothing wrong with you.”