Seasons change and our love went cold
Feed the flame ’cause we can’t let go
Run away, but we’re running in circles
Run away, run away
I dare you to do something
I’m waiting on you again
So I don’t take the blame
Run away, but we’re running in circles
Run away, run away, run awayLet go
I got a feeling that it’s time to let go
I say so
I knew that this was doomed from the get-goCircles, Post Malone
Where have I been? Frolicking the depths of the underworld in sub-alpine altitudes, the Colorado Rockies to be exact. Though I’m now back in my home – my favorite place on earth: Sunny San Diego. Scorpio season began on October 23rd. Scorpio is one of my favorite signs in the zodiac. It deals with the taboo – darkness, sex, power, money, transformation. Scorpio rules the 8th house. It is a reminder that only when we are willing to go into the underworld, when we are willing to ask the right questions to the get to the “bottom” of something, and when we are willing to look at the truth no matter how ugly it can be, is when we can truly wield our power. Power lies in darkness. And for clarification, darkness and evil are not interchangeable terms. You and I were both born out of darkness. Want to know one of the most dark places on earth? The female uterus. Scorpio also teaches us to become uncomfortable with emptiness and the unknown – it is in that dark space that all possibility is born. I have scorpio in the 5th house – the house of celebration, romance, play, and self-expression (The fifth house is traditionally ruled by Leo). Hence, that being the central focus of Scorpio season for me.
A few notes on romance for the astro curious. In order to understand how you “love” in astrology you have to look way beyond your sun sign. Your sun sign is determined by the day you were born, the rest of your chart is determined by a multitude of factors. When trying to understand your love style – you’ll be looking at your moon and venus signs as well as their house placements. Your fifth house placement will also play a role. To understand your sexual style, look at your Mars placement (as well as the house it’s located in). There are some astrologers that would also would recommend you look at your Juno or your soulmate constellation. For example, I have a Pisces Moon in the 9th house (traditionally ruled by Sagittarius), a Venus in Capricorn in the 6th house (traditionally ruled by Virgo), a Mars in Taurus in the 11th house (traditionally ruled by Aquarius), a Juno in Sagittarius, as well as my 5th house in Scorpio (Cancer Rising). What the hell does this all mean? Well, all astrologers will interpret it differently. For one, I’m an avant-garde lover , who walks on the intoxicating line of paradox. In love, I host a lot of mutable and fixed energy, with some cardinal. While at first meeting me, I may seem to possess a lot of the desirable qualities of the manic pixie dream girl, when you start digging deeper, you will only find further mutability that will make you feel confused. What the hell does she want? The Pisces in me is a dreamy romantic, but the 9th house placement wants freedom. The Venus in Capricorn in me wants nothing less than tradition, monogamy, and devotion, and the 6th house placement exalts that. My Mars in Taurus is driven by sensual pleasures that are off the beaten path due to the 11th house placement. I’m sweet, I’m freaky, and I will only give into someone fully once they can show me they are in it for the long-haul while simultaneously showing me they can give me freedom. Whew! I’m actually laughing really hard while typing this because I never want anything less than the IMPOSSIBLE. To make matters even more confusing, the chart I descried is my natal chart or where the planets were exactly on the date, time, and city I was born in. Because I’m in my Saturn Return, I’m now working with my progressed chart. Though my natal sun is in Capricorn, my sun is currently sitting in Aquarius! Astrology is all about the details – I LOVE details!! (6th house stellium). If you’d like more astrology resources, feel free to hit up that Contact tab on my page. It goes directly to my email and I’ll gladly share my favorite astrologers with you. Now, since you’ve stuck with me through all this astro-talk, I’ll share some stories with ya…
On December 23, 2018, my 28th birthday, I got all dolled up – outfit, hair, makeup, and made my way to an Italian Restaurant in Carlsbad Village. I was craving pasta and prosecco – which is exactly what I got. When I got to the restaurant I asked for a table for 1. They sat me outside next to a table with an elderly woman whom was also eating by herself. As the woman left the restaurant, she walked by and told me I was gorgeous, that I possessed both a classic and far-off beauty. I thanked her and felt a deep sadness in my heart. That night, I went home to a giant San Diego beach house, completely desolate – the beauty of the house tainted by the emptiness it held within its walls. The next day, Christmas eve, I couldn’t eat. There was too much melancholy in my body for any desire of any kind to arise. San Diego was my dream. I was determined to stay here even if it meant that I had to transverse the wild forests of loneliness. The following day, Christmas day, I tried to eat and vomited. It was then that I decided to call Nick.
I met Nick two weeks after the 2016 break-up I talked about on this blog before. Nick and I instantly connected on an intellectual level and eventually on spiritual level. Nick is one of my spiritual teachers on this path – he has shown me a lot about myself with gentleness, kindness, sternness, and strength. The first time Nick and I spent time together we drove from Denver (CO) to Boulder (CO) on a picturesque path lined with mountains as the sun was setting. We ended up at a bookstore in Boulder (photograph available on my Reads tab). The next time there was the Red Rocks Park and Amphitheater and Rocky Mountain National Park. So there I was, on Christmas 2018, calling Nick. After getting the holiday niceties out of the way, I broke down. Why am I so worthless? Why am I alone on both my birthday and Christmas? Am I that useless? Am I that ugly? What is wrong with me? Why aren’t there people around me? I’m exhausted from all this travel. Nick listened and then delivered some truths into my system – which shifted our connection into a deeper state. He provided me with a mirror and re-steered me towards a different direction : What if instead of trying to look for all of your flaws and fervently trying to fix them, you just for a second maybe stopped to realize you had something to offer the world as you are? We stayed on the phone for 9 hours as I cried.
Last week, I was got to see Nick again for the first time since 2017 and it was pure magic. We talked as we made our way through former mining towns hidden in the altitude of the Rockies. It was so wonderful to reconnect with someone that has been so important on my spiritual path – he has held space for me in astonishing ways and I want him to understand that it’s not something I take lightly nor will ever take for granted. I’m deeply grateful the universe put this man on my path to help heal my heart. He once told me that I too helped him heal from a break-up that deeply impacted him. It was while I was in Denver, that I admitted to myself that I was once again ready for love – the romantic kind (And for clarification purposes Nick and I do not have any kind of romantic connection – we are friends, he is a teacher to me).
There are days when I have flashbacks. Getting beaten for only using a towel to walk from the bathroom to my bedroom. Being beaten with a brush for taking too long to get my hair done. Being dragged down a hallway. Being beaten for eating ice cream. Watching possessions shattered to pieces in front of my face. Finding myself at a nightclub with no recollection of how I had ended up without underwear against a wall – a feeling of drowsiness followed by a feeling of intense pain. That feeling of intense pain taking me back to a childhood memory behind a door – You have pretty panties. Don’t tell anyone we’re here. Laying down on a bed, endlessly bleeding, in excruciating pain, staring at the world map on my wall. I didn’t tell him anything that had happened in the two weeks after we had broken up. He was in trouble with the Navy and I didn’t want to stress him any further. I bled in pain. On my bed. By myself. I never told him. Witnessing her take her last breath two weeks later.
For most of my life, I have navigated difficult situations by heavily relying on logic and diving into my work head-first. Yet, as I shifted my focus to healing, little by little I started allowing my heart to have a say along with the musings of my head, of my mind. Life doesn’t always make sense. And the longer we stay trying to make sense of past occurrences, the longer we rob ourselves of the possibility of taking the lessons from the underworld and integrating them into the light. For every ounce of pain I have ever experienced, the universe has found a way to balance it out with a good thing. For example, after bleeding in front of that map? My friends drove up to Upstate NY to stay with me and to feed me a sandwich. At that time, I was withering away.
Earlier today, I got a massage/healing session from a woman named Kala at Lemongrass in Encinitas. In addition to years of therapy, as I’ve mentioned before, becoming re-embodied, has been incredibly instrumental in healing from trauma. With every touch, every ounce of oil, and every stroke she performed on my body – it felt as if one more bit of trauma was leaving for good. After I got up from the table, I came to realize that although those memories still cross my mind from time to time, they no longer have a hold on me. My life is mine to live. I have built a career, in a city I love, with a six-figure salary. I have worked hard, sure, but I’ve also been blessed by grace. And it is this grace that has supported me in opening my heart up to love again.
The months between January and August 2019, weren’t the brightest. They were dark. I once again found myself walking through the valley of shadows trying to ignore and drown my greatest desire: to find true, romantic love. When I finally, decided to stop suffocating my desire in the darkness and brought it into the light – I set myself free. One of the most influential mentors in my career (K. Helles – may retirement be bright and beautiful!), always used to ask me about my love life. Seriously! She would also always share stories with me of her and her husband – their love story. She was convinced that when I turned 28 something was going to shift – she had met enough “young ones” in her time and she knew when she found ones with the pattern. And damn it – she was right! Coincidentally enough, both my astrology and numerology charts agree! Both astrologically and numerologically, my first 28 years of life were to be dedicated to building a strong foundation in the sense of career, finances, and home. In both metaphysical modalities, starting from age 29 (coming to you in December!), I will be entering the years of the nurturer. The devoted lover, giver, restorer. Meaning that in the next cycle of my life, I will find marriage. And I’m 100% on board with that! It’s.just.time.
After my massage today, one of my friends from New York called. He had a difficult 2019 with the end of a relationship and was starting to date again. We had a deeply fulfilling conversation about navigating dating after excruciating heart pain. And with every breath I take, the universe brings in one more little thing about romance or love into my life – and it makes me happy. As of now, my greatest pleasure is taking care of my body. Though I am not religious, I was a raised a Christian. Earlier today as I was taking care of my body, I thought of Queen Esther and the following Bible verses came to mind (Esther 2: 8 -12) v9 “Immediately he provided her with beauty treatments and special food.” v12 “Before she could go into the king she had to complete twelve months of beauty treatments, prescribed for the women, six months with oil of myrrh and six months with perfumes and cosmetics.” That’s exactly where I find myself right here, right now. After my conversation, I put on my favorite white dress with a white, flowy cover (it’s getting SoCal chilly) and headed to the beach to watch the sunset…on a cloudy sky.
As my left hand is free, so is my heart.