Dragon Fire Alchemy: The Pacifist

sunset
Sunset on a flight from Idaho Falls, Idaho to Salt Lake City, Utah

Pero eres pacifista (But you’re a pacifist).” My mother says with a little shake in her voice. After all of my movement modalities, my aggression was still present. There are not enough kickboxing gyms in San Diego. I felt a little nudge to call my mother. Generally, I avoid calling my mother in heightened states of emotion. Her responses are typically plated with religious platitudes and in the context of rage that simply doesn’t help. As calm and serene as the ocean can be, you can’t try to reason with the ocean in the middle of a tsunami. I am Daenerys Targaryen and I will burn this whole fucking village to the ground! Dammit! I’m grateful that I have plenty of Jon Snow’s in my life that are willing to wield many metaphoric swords to bring me back down to earth (Aries midheaven anyone?). Back to my mother…

I begin to tell her about my emotional state. About the dreams I’ve been having and the rage that has been consuming me. She simply listens. A couple of minutes in and I feel better. Her response is very grounded and level-headed, “You’re just like your father. Graceful, fair, grounded, calm, collected, understanding, empathetic, and rational, until the button is pushed. He must have found THE button, eh? I’ve never seen you like this. You are your father’s daughter.” My all-consuming rage suddenly transforms into explosive laughter. My mother laughs with me. “Yes – I’m sweetness embodied, but do people forget I’m a Latina?! Our fire goes both ways!” We laughed some more. She continues the conversation and gives me her take on the situation.

Mmm, nobody pop off, nobody get murked
Nobody scream, it’ll prolly get worse
Now I’m the curse, this is my turf
Before I kill ’em, I’ma torture them first
Bad chiquita, así yo soy bonita
But you about to need a prayer from a preacher
Eye of the tiger, faster than a cheetah
Hop out the spider, then it’s hasta la vista
Dead line, now you a dead man for real
Dead man for real, dead man for real
Dead line, now you a dead man for real
Dead man for real, I tell you dead line for real
Dead line, now you a dead man for real
Dead man for real, dead man for real
Dead line, now you a dead man for real

Nicki Minaj & Anuel AA (Feat. Bantu) – Familia

You see. I don’t think Alex is the object of your anger or rage here. As a matter of fact, you seem to be pretty emotionally distant from him. I can sense it in your voice. What you haven’t let go of is that something external to you kicked you out of balance. As my daughter, I’ve always admired your centeredness and your unstoppable will power. You sometimes appear unshakable. You’ve been through quite a lot. I know you take pride in these qualities and are angry that someone’s behavior affected you so deeply that you were no longer able to hold on to them. You lost your peace. You lost your center. You lost your balance. You’re human. Here’s what how I think you should move forward…

Yes – continue to avoid him at all costs. Accept that sometimes in life you don’t have to win. You don’t have to be right. You don’t have to prove a point. I know you believe in righteousness, justice, and fairness at all costs, and you hate the feeling of things being unfinished or out of balance. You want a verdict! But this here is about you and your well being. Let God take care of justice. There is no shame in running away and cutting off connections that are enabling you to establish or re-establish toxic patterns. Know when to surrender. There are some people that are not meant to be part of your path. Do you remember the story of Joseph the Dreamer in the Bible? Remember when Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph and then he ran away? There are some situations in life when that is called for -when that is the wisest path, the correct course of action.

Secondly work on forgiveness. Forgive him, yes. But mostly work on forgiving yourself. We all have moments of weakness – where we falter and fail. You’ve worked so hard to be where you are, so you’re rightfully pissed that something so minute would make you shake! Now, what I’m about to share, is not with the intent to make you angrier, but to provide you with a big-picture perspective. To save you from drowning in those details! He’s sick. When people begin to live their lives in such ways, it’s typically a symptom of a deep, festering wound. I intuitively feel that he’s in a deep state of pain. Pain that you can’t even imagine. Yes, he might be able to “pull off” a life on the external, but he’s consumed with a deep, soulful ache. I know that right now you’re not in a state to call forth compassion, so I’ll do it on your behalf. I’m going to pray for him. Now as for you, I want you to focus on you. Work with a therapist on the rage. Anytime you feel the smallest bit of anger – acknowledge it and release it. Don’t feed it. And don’t hide it. MOVE it through your body.”

My mother is a Leo Sun and Sagittarius Moon with a Cancer Ascendant. She’s both the embodiment of empathy and positivity. She’s been through hell and back more times that I can count. In all my years of traveling and galavanting, I have never met a being quite like her.

Mama, have you ever felt rage?”

She responds: “To be really honest with you, I can’t recall the last time that I did. Perhaps in my youth. I try to live life seeking for silver linings. Feeding whatever good is possible. I know that like your father, you have a bit more of a temper. And that’s ok. You’re allowed to feel. Don’t compare your experience of reality to mine.”

What a divine vessel, that woman.

My mama.

 


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