Brené Brown has a phrase that says “People are hard to hate up close. Move in.” But what happens if in the process of moving in , a rage response is triggered where your animalistic desires rise to the conscious surface?
The last few dreams I had of him, were ones where I murdered him. Graphic and vivid scenes – where I psychologically and physically tortured him until I watched him take his last breath. I’m the type of person that takes pride in her ability to hold space, to be empathetic, to be understanding. Yet dreams like these bring me back down to reality and remind that I’m human after all – we are animals with deep urges rooted in life or death.
“Fue más importante qué dijo la gente, que a dónde podíamos llegarEn el mundo de mí están hablando
Diciendo mil cosas
Que me ven por aquí, que me ven por allá
Por mi vida famosa
Tú me conoces de años atrás, sabes cómo es la cosa
Tú sabes que yo soy real
Te lo dije una vezY sé que nuestro amor es periódico de ayer
Que tú no lo quieres leer, que ni por la calle tú me quieres ver“
Chris Jeday – Ahora Dice (Official Video) ft. J. Balvin, Ozuna, Arcángel
Last night’s dream was a little different. This time, I didn’t physically hurt him. Instead I found myself in front of him near an abandoned building. My eyes greeted him and I requested that he not come near me with any kind of touch. He told me he had some words to say. I told him I wanted to share first. I began to speak:
“I want you to understand that I have no respect for you. It is to the point that I have a difficult time perceiving you as human. The more compassion I try to approach this situation with, the more intense the fires of rage and destruction grow within. There is nothing that you can do or say to make me view you through a human lens again. I don’t care that you’re someone’s son nor someone’s father. Your behavior disgusts me. It repels me. It drives me to a state of contempt. You don’t deserve my time nor my energy, but my sisters do. I want you to understand that right now I am just a symbol – a collective symbol for all the women you’ve led on, you’ve taken advantage of, you’ve abandoned – because you’re a master of the art. You’re the hell of a rolling stone. This rage that I hold is not only mine – but rage on behalf of the collective feminine energy you’ve tampered with.
There’s a saying in the pop-astrology world that says that “You haven’t met karma until you’ve met a Capricorn.” Do you want to know what sign loves balance more than Libra? Capricorn. And you know something else? The type of balance that Capricorn loves is known as karmic balance. The sign of Capricorn is represented by the devil card in the tarot. It is also ruled by the planet Saturn – the disciplinarian, the ruler of time. It is the sign that will hold space for you and bring forth mercy through the mechanisms of time. Yet if Saturn holds space for you, and you keep repeating the same patterns again and again and again, that’s when the devil breaks all hell lose. Compassion, kindness, and mercy become raging fires of torture until you’re toppled and down on your knees begging for one more breath.
If I were to be true and honest to my deepest desires in regards to you – I want to see you suffer. I want to see you in psychological pain -the worst kind of pain. But I understand that me stooping to that level will not balance the karmic scales – it would de-stabilize them further. I am simply just here as a messenger, a harbinger. Alex, take heed and change your ways or the universe will force it upon you. I must leave now. I’m off to keep building, healing, and moving upward.
As for those words you wanted to share…shove them up your ass. Farewell.”
As I vanished into thin air, I awakened. I think of all the aggression this Aries Full Moon carries. An image of my father acting on his rage crosses my mind and I only feel compassion. I finally understand. While it doesn’t excuse my father’s behavior, now that I’m experiencing the all consuming fires of rage on a personal level – I can forgive my father with deep sincerity. My father and I differ. For one, I would never physically act on my rage. I’ll go to 10 yoga classes, 16 meditations, run a marathon, lift for three hours…find alternative ways to let the build-up release. Yet having this experience helps me understand and head towards healing deep ancestral trauma.
The truth is that the human experience has a myriad of states. It is not all love and light. When we repress any of our desires rather than taking time to acknowledge, process, and integrate them into the wholeness of our being, we birth shame. And as Brené Brown says “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” This is my Sunday morning share to remind you that it’s okay to allow yourself to be human. Remember, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” (Brené Brown) Love your darkness as fervently as you love your light. In that space of love for both the darkness and the light, is where true transformation occurs.