“But maybe that’s all it is. Death. A little space to love.” Rachel Brathen, To Love and Let Go
Moon Stage: 21% Waning / Tide: 3.43 Ft and lowering / Time: 9:36AM
The title of this post is a line from Rachel Brathen’s to Love and Let Go. I mentioned the book in yesterday’s post – it’s a really impactful read for me. It’s making me feel a little less lonely – good storytelling always has a way of doing that for me. I’m currently sitting in front of my favorite little beach – so many surfers catching their morning surf! I typically watch sunsets, but as the season has shifted to fall here in the Northern Hemisphere, the sun will start setting earlier and earlier. Autumn. Equinox. It’s a good time to make changes.
I’ve been grounded for almost two months – no flights. And it feels like I’ve made significant life progress – I feel physically well. I sincerely don’t understand how flight crews do it! I have to start traveling (actually – jet setting) again come Thursday and I’m feeling pretty anxious and sad about it. It always feels like I live so much more deeply when I’m not jet setting – one can keep their fingers crossed…someday.
“Life on the road was hard. The days were long and I never got enough sleep – rushing from meetings to interviews to airports to car rentals to yoga classes to hotels to more airports. My body was aching for routine. Rituals helped to keep me grounded and sane. I traveled with crystals and gems, my angel cards and palo santo.” Rachel Brathen, To Love and Let Go
I’ve decided to write here on the daily as an outlet. Take the Andrea Balt #writeyourselfalive approach. I’ll write to strangers and empty space until something changes – because it always does. The universe is always heading towards entropy. As one of my university professors used to say, “The universe destroys itself to recreate itself.” Eventually something will change, otherwise it means that I have died. That hasn’t occurred yet – I’m still breathing, beating, being… change is the natural order and I’m hoping that the change that comes along brings me a family, a tribe, my people – my pack. A pack that lives near me. I LOVE San Diego and intend to stay here, but my best friends are scattered all over the world. I am famished for human connection.
Last night, I wanted to write some words down in my journal, but was too tired and started prepping this post instead (to make it easier to post in the morning – images, links, etc. – bloggers get it). I have this little journal that I write in almost daily. That’s where most of my writing has taken place lately. In this journal I always write the moon stage, the tide state, whatever is on my mind in the moment, as well as my oracle/tarot card picks (which I’ll share on here today just because I feel like it!). I can’t quite remember how I got into all things metaphysical – come to think of it, it was because of a guy I once deeply loved. He introduced me to spirituality – I didn’t get into the card stuff until way later though. Anyway, both tarot/oracles and any metaphysical/spiritual ways of knowing started to inform and deepen my writing. Suddenly, writing in metaphor became easier. Poetry just flowed through me. So I kept investigating – numerology, astrology, all mythology – there was something to it. Anyway, so those words I wanted to write in my journal? Last night I unblocked everyone I have ever blocked. I was driving home and I swear that I saw the guy I’m fervently trying to avoid walking down the street with some girl and some dogs. I’ve tried to run away from his presence at all cost, but still seem to occasionally have him slip into my reality – though I’ve only acknowledged him once, by the beach. In that moment, I realized that it’s true – what you resists, persists. So I unblocked everyone (in all social media platforms/ my phone) and deleted phone #’s accordingly. At 11:11 PM, I felt more at peace, more focused, and the only words that flowed through me were : “I want to find joy. I don’t know how to do it. I know I can’t do it alone. I need a miracle – something outside of myself, something without. Enough of the going within. All I can personally do is keep showing up. I don’t have any fight left in me. I am the weakest I have ever been, yet the most productive. If there is a divine force out there or such a things as community, may I find it along the way.”
Back to the title of this post. When I first began writing this post, I mentioned that the title was a line from Rachel Brathen’s To Love and Let Go. That line were words said to her by her friend Rose right after she contemplated suicide and was having a panic attack. Her friend Rose, physically comforted her as she panicked. The word dushi means sweetheart in Papiamento – a Spanish Creole language. I will tattoo that phrase in the inside of my right hip. Dushi will also be my future dog’s name. When I read the sentence in its context, something broke open in my heart and it’s really what prompted the crying I spoke about in yesterday’s post. “It’s just a wave, dushi.” That wave turned into a full tsunami of tears for me. I’m letting go of something though I don’t know what. I only hope that these tears make space for good. It’s the only thing that I can handle.
I’m going to try a new yoga studio out tonight. Wish me luck.
DAILY DIVINE WISDOM
Earth Warriors Oracle: 36. MAYU – Soma from the Galactic Heart
Japaridze Tarot: (No, I didn’t pay $500 for this deck – it was a gift!) Eight of Winds (Swords), Ten of Gardens (Pentacles) aka my self-imposed limitations are getting in the way of my abundance.
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards: DIANA – Focused Intention – “Keep your unwavering thoughts, feelings, and actions, focused on your target, and you will make your mark.”
A Yogic Path: (I always pick 3 of these!) 1. Tantra – balance of masculine and feminine – , 2. Niyamas – laws of personal observance, 3. Ajna – third eye chakra
Life Loves You Cards: (I rarely use this deck – it was gifted to me by a psychic-medium friend of mine back in Rochester, NY and I thought I’d bring it out for the occasion.) “Everything is working out for my highest good: Trust that even in challenging times, the universe only wants what’s best for you.”