Mission District: Confessions to You

Astrologer in the Mission District, San Francisco, California

It was around this time two years ago, that we’d talk into the early hours of the morning – well, my mornings. The three hour time difference would make it so that I slept very little, but I was infused with an inexplicable sense of purpose when thoughts of you crossed my mind. We would exchange words about our lives, our pasts, philosophy, the present, the future, fantasy, magic, the esoteric, the intellectual, the comedic – words that helped us both witness the life of the other. There is a scene in Before Sunrise where Celine and Jesse are talking about their desires: “I believe if there’s any kind of God it wouldn’t be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it’s almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.” When we began to delve into each other’s lives, into each other’s inner worlds, we had already known each other for five years on a surface level.  Yet getting to know you better, getting to know your truth, was one of my favorite adventures to date. You were the sailor to my siren, the wizard to my witch, the emperor to my empress, the magician to my high priestess, the sun to my moon. The sound of your voice would echo in me through my days – even when you were gone – training. You were a type of magic I’d never tasted.

Pacific Sunset (Photography credit: KWB, 2015)

Hibiki. Japan. Salty cigarettes. Zebra blankets. Black coffee. Sriracha. Right arm. Summer Whites. Fall Blues. The Tower. Seals. Books in infinite supply. FPOAP. Dropped calls. Skype. Laughter. The apartment. Shark and bear. Handwritten letters. Flowers. The sleepy bunny diaries. Christmas. Leo. August. Strength. Rope. Fantasy. Anchor. Oahu. Annapolis. Traffic. Road rage. Texas. 

 It was life-changing to meet you, sir.

As the sun set, stress increased, and life continued to move at a pace faster than either of us were able to keep up, we shared another tense conversation. “Perhaps you need to lose me in order to have your dream life. That’ll be the fuel.” You said. I became teary eyed. I was overcome by a knotting sensation in my gut. Was this all there was to it? Was this love? The words tattooed on the left-hand side of your chest, came to mind: Courage flourishes at the wound. {Sometime in 2016}

As with most of your observations and affirmations, you were right. One of your most beautiful qualities is the depth of your wisdom – it felt near clairvoyant. I felt so deeply understood by you. Today, I have the constant travel and the hub to return to. Most of the dreams we spoke of, I’m living.  Yet in the joy of it all, I often wonder about your well-being; Of how we’re not sharing that which we spoke of.

I can’t pretend that life hasn’t moved forward. I’ve dated other people. I’ve had the privilege of living a thousand and one adventures. My universe feels expansive, full of possibility. There have been challenges, but also tremendous growth. As I continue to explore how I’d like a relationship to look like, I often think of the time we shared. While I can no longer say that I’m in-love with you, I’m forever grateful that I got to spend some part of this lifetime with a magical soul like you. You are the prototype.

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